I am a Christian and have been for many years.  I accepted Jesus as Lord of my life when I was a kid in vacation bible school.  Being an only child, I left that place with my best friend at the time (Jessie Mae), excited about having a sister (in the Lord).  I fully understood the commitment I made.  I was excited about the future and the great possibilities that lay ahead.  I didn’t realize at the time, that I had received the greatest gift of all time, a gift set of keys and a treasure chest of tools for living a full and victorious life. It would be much later, that I’d understand the value of the decision made so many years ago.

The most difficult, dare I say the most painful, devastating and heart wrenching time of my life came after 17 years of marriage.  I lost my best friend of 17 years to divorce.  I never thought that I, a devout Christian, a lover of God, a person who regularly attended one of the local mega churches, would be on the business end of a divorce.  God hates divorce so how could this happen to me?  I was supposed to live happily ever after with my prince charming and two kids.  Amen and Hallelujah.

I was devastated.  The person who knew my secrets, my strengths and weaknesses, who knew my fears and cares, the one who shared my hopes and dreams was now my adversary, my enemy.  Believe me when I tell you he was a formidable foe.  My heart was broken and I felt abandoned.  How could this be?  I was now that stereotypical, single, black woman raising two boys alone.

I needed help, guidance and emotional support.  I turned to my local home church for help, the place where I tithed and participated in the intercessory prayer ministry.  I desperately reached out to various church leaders before and after service.  It was a mega church, so I had no unrealistic expectations to speak with the pastor.  Every time, I was told to call the church secretary.  So I did.  She gave me the phone numbers of several different associate pastors at various times and none of them ever called back.

The prayer group I attended would lift me up in prayer, but we met in the evening and everyone was anxious to go home.  As far as the small groups go, I guess I wasn’t consistent enough in attendance to be known.  I was relatively invisible to the people with big smiles and warm hugs.  

I needed more than a hug and a metaphorical pat on the head, I was drowning in sorrow and struggled to keep a positive, strong front for my boys.  I cried at night and went to work every day with a smile on my face.  I was a supervisor, so I really couldn’t talk to my coworkers about my personal life.  No one really had a clue of the magnitude of what I was going through.

I was going through the most difficult time of my life ALONE.  I’d call my mom, crying to her, yet not wanting to burden her with my problems from across the country.  Thank God for moms!  I wouldn’t have lasted as long as I did without her encouragement.

Finally after about 2 years, I hit bottom.  I broke down and cried during my annual performance evaluation.  Oh yes I did!!  My evaluation wasn’t as good as I thought it should be and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I felt like a failure as a wife, a failure as a mother and now a failure at work.  Needless to say, I left work early that day, right after my evaluation.  Only God could help me now!

The tears and pain, the custody battles, the division of property, etc. caused me to finally realize the power of the tools that were available to me.  This Jesus person–who loved me and understood my heartache, who experienced betrayal and battled loneliness, who sacrificed himself for my best interest–saw me with all of my faults and short comings. He CHOSE to love me anyway.

At the cross, an instrument of torture, he endured beatings, taunting, torment as well as the lies that tried to tarnish his reputation.  He suffered through it all, just for me.  He sacrificed himself for me and believed I was worth it.  I was worth the cost.  His sacrifice enabled me to have a relationship with God through him.  One key I discovered was that I could have peace and joy through the Holy Spirit.  

I was now forced to pray.  I mean really talk to Him.  Not the superficial, rote memory words we speak followed by some “Christianese” phrases.  I had to have some gut wrenching, crying, yelling and sobbing sessions with Him.  You see, I had gone about this all wrong.  I had reached out to people for help when I should have looked up to God.

As I began to pray and release my worries and pain to Him. I learned to rest in Him.  I was beginning to see myself through the eyes of Christ, through the filter of his love.  I had value and the creator of the universe cared about me.  His peace began to infiltrate my life. I was not alone after all, I was just looking in the wrong direction.  I was looking to people who are flawed and have needs of their own.  Even the most well-intentioned people can disappoint and let you down.  God will always be there loving, caring and supporting.

I learned that though I am not perfect, I have value. Sometimes in the middle of a storm, while being tossed about, it’s difficult to see this.  God sees me for who He created me to be and will pour into my life the necessary components to help me reach my potential.

I have available to me all the tools necessary for victory in this life.  When I accepted Jesus as my Christ and Lord all those years ago, I accepted Him along with His support system and resources.  I just need to learn what they are and how to unlock them and use them in my everyday life.

I discovered that I need to discuss my circumstances with God.  He will cause them to change or provide the resources to go through.

I learned to be quiet before the Lord.  Get rid of the distractions so that I can clearly hear what God has to say.  This required me to study His Word so that I could actually recognize His voice.

Since then, I have switched jobs and have found a few genuine friends.  While I was going through this ordeal, I was alone in a crowd.  There were many people in my life but I hadn’t fostered any meaningful relationships.  God wants us connected to others. He wants us to be available to help during times of struggle.

How can we be available to recognize the need of others if we are so focused on ourselves? We have a responsibility, a duty to walk in peace, joy and victory so that we can see the need in others.  It’s called community.  No one lives as an island in the world and considers himself happy and whole.

This is my journey to discover the resources God has provided in my tool kit for life. During this sojourn I will learn to use them effectively and help others discover the treasure of a relationship with God.

I challenge you to ask Jesus to be the Lord of your life.  This decision is not for the faint of heart.  Once the decision is made, an exciting journey awaits you.  Let’s travel this road together and discover the keys, tools and resources God has given us to use in this life.